Lorde has all the time stored it 100 along with her followers, and in a brutally trustworthy letter posted to her Tumblr on Wednesday (Sept. 20), she opened up about what she stated has been a really difficult 12 months. The lengthy be aware delves into the bodily and emotional ache the 26-year-old singer stated she’s endured lately, together with that she’s is “living with heartbreak again.”

Although Lorde didn’t go into specifics about the reason for the heartbreak, she defined, “It’s different but the same. I ache all the time, I forget why and then remember. I’m not trying to hide from the pain, I understand now that pain isn’t something to hide from, that there’s actually great beauty in moving with it. But sometimes I’m sick of being with myself. I eat chocolate to try and manipulate the endorphins, bring back the sweet happiness of Easter morning. I sit in the time machine and wait for it to move, but it hasn’t been invented yet.”

Lorde stated she’s been in London since Could, the place “things feel clear,” regardless of her describing not seeing her pals and largely spending her time swimming, working, taking the practice, strolling and consuming meals in her kitchen, alone along with her ideas. “I go to bed thinking about what I’m making. I’m starting to miss my friends and family, like a vitamin I’m deficient in. Soon I’ll be going back to New York, and then home,” stated the New Zealand-bred star.

She shared that her ache can also be bodily, detailing that her physique is “really inflamed,” and that she thinks it’s “trying to tell me something and I’m trying to support it but nothing seems to help and I get frustrated. My gut isn’t working properly, my skin is worse than ever, I’ve gotten sick half a dozen times. I realised earlier this year that listening to my body is hard for me, it’s something I never really learned how to do. I’ve been trying to teach myself that this year, but it’s been hard actually, pretty confronting, has made me fully aware of all the times I ignored it or didn’t give it what it needed, shamed it for a fight or flight response, took a handful of pills and pushed through.”

Lorde stated that she had “grand plans” to attend subsequent week’s Paris Vogue Week festivities, however pulled out as a result of, “I promised myself I’d never be one of the people in the light smiling if it wasn’t real.” The be aware revealed that earlier this 12 months the singer “ate two handfuls of mushrooms” that she stated gave her plenty of info “about what my body had been through in our time so far, what it needed, where God was and where God wasn’t; I felt in my bones how destabilising it is to leave home and start a new life the way I did. I also saw that my body is completely magnificent, and that hating it is as futile as hating a tree; that I truly, truly love doing my job, and that my life is like a beautiful tapestry, and every inch of it is precious and has meaning.”

And although she stated she loved her current run of European tour dates — and the cool means followers appeared to note how she had modified up the exhibits’ setlists and preparations — Lorde additionally admitted that doing the issues she loves is typically painful.

“It might seem funny or be easy to forget, but I make records because I need to,” she stated. “The songs are spells; a spell to let go of something, a spell to unlock a door. Every time I put something into words just as I see it, set it to the right music, a knot comes loose in me. But it hurts too, confronting the knots. I’ve made enough records to know that this feeling of my skin coming off is part of it. I know I’m gonna look back on this year with fondness and a bit of awe, knowing it was the year that locked everything into place, the year that transitioned me from my childhood working decade to the one that comes next — one that even through all this, I’m so excited for. It’s just hard when you’re in it.”

Lorde teased two new songs throughout a headlining gig on the Boardmasters Pageant within the U.Ok. final month, which followers have urged are titled “Silver Moon” and “Invisible Ink,” signaling the primary contemporary tracks since her third studio album, 2021’s Photo voltaic Energy.

Try Lorde’s be aware under, together with some luminous photos from the European exhibits.